My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
