he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
How's your threesome situation going?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?