The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Sext me about skeletons
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.