how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
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his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
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Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.