wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I wish there were birth control emojis
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.