Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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