I didn't shave. On purpose
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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