Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I supernannyed him into submission
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
