I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
