Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
