You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
