I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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