so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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