I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
