Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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