i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
