happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
