Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
