Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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