u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
