How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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