awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
