My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
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Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
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I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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