If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
