got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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