I heard we made out
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
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