My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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