we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
