Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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