Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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