Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I currently don't understand fingers.
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