Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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