i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
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He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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