WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just found puke in my bra..
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i've created a new STD.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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