I wish I could teleport
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
