I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
