Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
