dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
