clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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