I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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