seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
