you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
