Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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