the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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