I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
