You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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