is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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