So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She's the barista slut.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
