I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
