I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
