You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
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I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
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That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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