I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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