just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
