I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
