I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
