I'm jealous of your bromance
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
