david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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