if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
