why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I pour the whiskey from now on
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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