I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
