my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
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I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
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There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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