I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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