I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
