filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
