Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
