I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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