Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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