The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
