Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
