so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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