he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
